Social Security Strips 6,300 Migrants of Status in Security Sweep

Well, isn’t this just delightful news? The Social Security Administration (SSA) has found an innovative solution to the migrant situation – simply declare them dead while they’re still walking around. How convenient! This controversial Social Security policy change affects thousands who previously had valid status in the system.

More than 6,300 migrants who were previously authorized to work in the U.S. have been ceremoniously relocated to the SSA’s Ineligible Master File – formerly known by the totally-not-ominous name “Death Master File.” Because nothing says “welcome to America” quite like being administratively deceased in the Social Security database.

A White House official confirmed to NewsNation that these immigrants – who apparently pose such a threat that the only solution was bureaucratic mortality – were found by Homeland Security to be on the terrorist watch list or have FBI criminal records. Of course, they all entered during the Biden administration. How predictably timed!

Impact on Benefits and Work Authorization

As of April 8, these “living dead” lost their temporary parole from Customs and Border Protection. This change in Social Security status means they can’t:

• Obtain work authorization
• Receive unemployment benefits
• Access college loans
• Qualify for federal benefits

Nothing solves security concerns quite like ensuring people can’t support themselves legally through the Social Security system, right?

The Trump administration, displaying their characteristic compassion, has praised these actions. “President Trump promised mass deportations and by removing the monetary incentive for illegal aliens to come and stay, we will encourage them to self-deport,” said White House spokesperson Elizabeth Huston. Because financial strangulation has always been history’s most humane deportation strategy.

Concerns About the SSA’s Approach

Some party-poopers, however, have raised the minor concern about adding living people to a list supposedly reserved for those who have died. According to The New York Times, these migrants – including children – will be given fictional death dates in the Social Security database. How thoughtful!

In addition to losing work authorization and federal benefits, they’ll also struggle with basic financial matters without a Social Security number (SSN). Banking, housing, and employment all become nearly impossible without valid SSN status.

“It’s tantamount to financial murder,” said Martin O’Malley, former commissioner of the SSA. But hey, at least they’re only financially dead in the Social Security system, not actually dead. That’s what we call American generosity!